Let’s be real: people-pleasing is exhausting.
Not generous, not noble — exhausting.

Most people don’t start out trying to be a doormat. It sneaks in. You offer to help once, then twice, then you become “the reliable one.” Before long, you’re drowning under other people’s expectations while your own needs barely make the list. And when you do think about saying no? You feel guilty, awkward, or even selfish.

But here’s the real kicker: when you finally snap, you don’t set healthy boundaries — you detonate.
That’s where the “arse” bit comes in. The pendulum swings from overly accommodating to aggressively fed up, and neither end feels good.

So let’s fix that.

Let’s talk about boundaries, assertiveness, and how to stop people-pleasing without becoming someone no one wants to be around — including you.

Why You People-Please (It’s Not Because You’re ‘Too Nice’)

People-pleasing is a strategy.
It’s a way you learned to feel safe, liked, accepted, or valued.

Most people-pleasers fall into one or more of these camps:

1. Approval has been your currency.

If you grew up getting praise for being “easy,” “helpful,” or “no trouble,” your brain learned:
“My value is tied to making everyone else happy.”

2. Conflict freaks you out.

Avoiding upset feels easier than dealing with tension — even when the long-term cost is resentment and burnout.

3. You fear being seen as difficult.

At some point, you decided that expressing your needs was risky. So you bury them and hope people magically guess what you want. Spoiler: they won’t.

4. You think boundaries will make you rude.

You’ve confused assertiveness with aggression. They’re not the same. One respects both people. The other bulldozes.

The problem isn’t that you care too much.
It’s that you care unevenly — everyone else gets the best of you, and you get the scraps.

The Middle Ground: Boundaries Without the Backlash

You don’t need to turn into an arse to stop being a people-pleaser.
You just need to operate in a way that’s honest, clear, and balanced.

Here are three reframes to help you do that.

1. Saying “no” isn’t rejection — it’s clarity

People-pleasers treat “no” like a personal attack.
It isn’t. It’s information.

A clean, direct “No, I can’t do that,” is far kinder than a reluctant “yes” soaked in resentment.

Reframe:
You’re not disappointing people. You’re being honest so they can plan their life properly.

2. Your needs are not less important — they’re part of the equation

You’re not removing yourself from the picture anymore.
You’re putting yourself in the picture.

When someone asks you for something, mentally run a quick check:

• Do I have capacity?
• Do I want to do this?
• Will this cost me more than I can afford?

If you’d never let someone drain your bank account, stop letting them drain your time, energy, and attention.

Reframe:
You’re not being selfish. You’re being a functional adult with limits.

3. Assertiveness is calm honesty, not aggression

If you jump from people-pleasure to snapping, it’s because you’ve held it in too long.

Assertiveness is the quiet middle ground:

• “That doesn’t work for me.”
• “I can help, but only with X.”
• “I’m not available at the moment.”
• “I need a bit more notice in future.”

Short. Direct. Neutral.
No fluff. No guilt. No theatrics.

Reframe:
You don’t need to justify your boundaries. You just need to communicate them.

Final Thoughts: Boundaries Aren’t Harsh — They’re Healthy

You don’t fix people-pleasing by becoming cold or selfish.
You fix it by becoming honest.

You’re allowed to take up space.
You’re allowed to disappoint people.
You’re allowed to have needs without apologising for them.

You’re not here to be endlessly available.
You’re here to live a life that isn’t built purely around keeping the peace.

Start small.
Say no once this week.
State a preference instead of saying, “I don’t mind.”
Ask for something you need.

Not perfectly — just honestly.

And watch how your relationships shift when you stop performing and start being real.