(Yes, really—because how we speak shapes how we connect)

When it comes to improving relationships—whether with partners, friends, colleagues, or family—we often look for big solutions.

We read books. We listen to podcasts. We try new communication strategies that sound great in theory but fall apart in the heat of real life.

But what if lasting change in how we connect doesn’t have to start with huge transformations?

What if some of the biggest improvements in our relationships come from small shifts in language—the everyday words we use without even thinking?

Words are powerful. They shape perception, influence emotion, and either build connection or erode it—bit by bit.

In this week’s post, I want to explore a few simple but game-changing language tweaks I’ve been learning and practicing in my own life as I develop Thrive With Momentum. These aren’t scripts or hacks. They’re real, practical shifts that can soften tension, open up dialogue, and make your relationships feel safer, stronger, and more connected—starting tonight.

Why Language Matters So Much

The words we speak don’t just convey information—they carry tone, emotion, and intention.

• One phrase can invite closeness.
• Another can trigger defensiveness.
• One question can open up trust.
• Another can shut someone down.

Often, we’re not trying to hurt or frustrate the people we love. But our default phrases—shaped by stress, past experiences, or even just habit—can get in the way of connection.

The good news? We don’t need perfect communication skills. We just need a bit more awareness of the words we choose—and how they land.

1. Shift from “You never…” to “I feel…”

Let’s start with a classic relationship killer: accusations.

Saying things like:

• “You never listen to me.”
• “You always do this.”
• “You don’t care.”

These phrases put the other person on the defensive—fast. Even if we’re feeling hurt or overwhelmed, starting with “you” creates an immediate divide.

Instead, try this:

• “I feel unheard when we talk and I don’t feel like you’re with me.”
• “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some space.”
• “I’m finding this hard and need to talk it through.”

By shifting the focus from blame to emotion, you keep the conversation open—and allow for real understanding to happen.

2. Swap “Why did you…?” with “Can we talk about…?”

“Why” questions often trigger defensiveness, even when we don’t mean them that way.

• “Why did you say that?”
• “Why didn’t you tell me?”
• “Why would you do it that way?”

These sound like interrogations—even if our intention is curiosity.

Try instead:

• “Can we talk about what happened earlier?”
• “I noticed you seemed distant—can I check in with you?”
• “I was confused about that choice—can you walk me through it?”

These shifts create space for dialogue, not debate.

3. Use “and” instead of “but”

This one is surprisingly powerful. The word “but” often cancels out what came before it.

• “I love you, but I’m really upset.”
• “I understand, but here’s my point.”
• “You’re right, but…”

Switching to “and” creates room for both truths.

• “I love you, and I’m feeling upset.”
• “I understand, and I also see it differently.”
• “You’re right, and here’s what I noticed too.”

It’s a small tweak that makes conversations feel more collaborative and less combative.

4. Replace “Calm down” with “I’m here”

When someone’s emotional—angry, anxious, upset—our instinct is often to fix it. To say:

• “Just relax.”
• “You’re overreacting.”
• “Calm down.”

These may be well-intended, but they usually feel invalidating. They suggest the other person is wrong for feeling what they feel.

Instead, try offering presence:

• “I’m here.”
• “I get that this is a lot right now.”
• “You’re allowed to feel what you’re feeling.”

This helps the other person regulate—because they don’t feel alone or judged.

5. Say “thank you for telling me” more often

When someone shares something vulnerable, scary, or honest, we often rush to respond. We explain, defend, or try to fix it.

But a simple “Thank you for telling me” goes a long way.

It says:
I see you.
I appreciate your trust.
I’m not going to make this about me.

This one phrase can transform the emotional tone of a moment—and deepen trust almost instantly.

Final Thoughts: Small Words, Big Impact

You don’t need to overhaul how you communicate overnight.
You don’t need to become a perfect partner, parent, or friend.

But by noticing the small words you default to—and gently choosing ones that build rather than break—you create space for better relationships to grow.

One phrase at a time. One conversation at a time.

These are the kinds of shifts I’m exploring in my own life, and sharing through this blog as I continue to learn and develop Thrive With Momentum. I’m not offering coaching yet—just sharing weekly reflections to grow and build content that matters.

Keep Exploring

If this post made you think differently about how you communicate, I’d love for you to let me know if one of these phrases feels useful—or share a shift that’s helped you communicate more clearly. I’d love to hear from you.